How to stop buying gifts for extended family
Whether you’re wanting to keep your family’s spending in check or looking for an alternative to gift consumerism, this guide will help you navigate the sensitive conversation.
Managing Editor
I don’t remember the exact moment it happened, but several years ago our family decided to make a big change to our Christmas gift giving habits. It was a slow weaning process. After many years of buying gifts for everyone (and their mother), we decided that adults would draw names and buy a gift for one adult in addition to buying gifts for the grandkids.
That worked well until more were added to the family and the grandkids grew up and stopped seeming like, well, “kids.” Then, about three years ago, we pulled the plug and came up with a new strategy to limit excessive buying (see below for our family’s favorite option!). It’s been a welcome change and may be just what you are looking for in your family.
Top reasons to figure out how to stop buying gifts for extended family
According to the National Retail Federation (NRF), 91% of Americans celebrate the winter holidays, which include events like Hanukkah, Christmas, and Kwanzaa. If you are one of them, there is more than one reason you may be wondering how to stop buying gifts for extended family.
Cost
Buying gifts for your extended family can start to get EXPENSIVE. Research firm Gallup estimates that the average American spends over $800 on gifts during the holidays. For some, keeping up with the buying expectations just isn’t feasible, particularly when you include extended family.
Obligation
Gifting everyone can start to feel excessive. For those lucky enough to have their needs and (many) wants met, a gift can feel like just another “thing.” You know this is the case when you have to wrack your brain to even think of something someone would enjoy. It can start to feel like another to-do and not a meaningful gift-giving experience.
Environment
For those of us concerned about the environment, buying and wrapping gifts for a large group can start to feel wasteful. This is especially true when the item is manufactured overseas and housed in a lot of packaging.
Time
A Holiday Shopping Poll conducted by Consumer Reports showed men spend an average of 10 hours and women spend a whopping 20 hours shopping for gifts. Even with the help of our gift guides, keeping up a gift giving tradition for extended family can feel overwhelming.
How do I ask my family to stop buying gifts delicately?
Bringing up the topic of stopping or reducing gift exchanges for extended family can feel controversial. Many families are rooted in tradition so it’s understandable to feel some anxiety about starting this conversation. Get ready for the moment with these time-tested tips:
Introduce the idea slowly over time
Popping the idea of “no gifts” the week before a Holiday is going to feel abrupt. Instead, introduce the idea slowly over time. Perhaps mention you have a friend who has agreed to skip gifts with their extended family. On another occasion, say you read an article and it really struck a chord with you. Over time, your family will have had plenty of time to process your proposal.
Spare the kids
Keep the conversation focused on gift-giving for extended family and adults. You’re much more likely to succeed if you start with a position that’s hard to argue with: Kids should get gifts, but adults or extended family don’t need more stuff.
Find your allies
Before trying to put the kibosh on extended family gift-giving in a large family setting, consider giving your proposal a “test drive” with one person. Are there other, like-minded family members who themselves are wondering how to stop buying gifts for extended family?
Think of these conversations as dry runs that help you identify your allies. When it’s time to engage the larger family, having backup could change the outcome of the discussion.
7 festive alternatives to buying gifts for extended family
Years down the road, when you look back on family birthdays and holiday gatherings, you’re going to remember the laughter, the stories, and the shared meals above all else. Gifts are just one aspect of family celebrations and need not define them. Here are some ideas to reduce the gift-giving in your family or substitute it with another meaningful tradition:
1. Homemade gifts
This is a great solution if your family still wants to exchange gifts, but wants to be budget friendly and dial up the creativity factor. Remember, this doesn’t mean everyone has to be an artist. A homemade gift could be a baked good or canned good. It could also include simple gifts, such as personalized cards, homemade body scrub, or even a personalized coupon book (“This is good for one night to the movies.”).
2. Charitable donations
If time is the concern, you could consider proposing that your family donate money to a cause that is near and dear to your hearts in lieu of gifts. You could pool the money and give one large donation, or ask each family member to donate to a cause that is meaningful to them. At your gathering, each person could share which organization or cause they chose.
3. Plan a family activity
Let your time together be the gift. Enjoy a dinner out, go on a picnic, visit the local zoo. Dedicate a day or evening to the family and find an activity that all can participate in.
4. Set a budget limit
If your family is set on keeping some kind of gift exchange, consider asking them to set a budget everyone can agree on. There are a lot of great gifts in the $10-15 range that are sure to make people of all ages happy.
5. Luck of the draw
Another way to reduce–but not eliminate–gift giving would be to pick names. This can be done secretly (think Secret Santa) or with known partners. Write everyone’s name on a piece of paper and put them in a bowl. Ask each person to draw a name and buy a gift for that one person only. To keep costs down, you could agree on a budget for each gift as well.
6. White Elephant
One man’s trash is another man’s treasure, the old adage goes. Ask each person to bring something they don’t need/want anymore and pass it on. Maybe you received a beautiful candle years ago and never got around to using it. Take a look around and surely you will find something you don’t need, but could make someone else really happy. Best part? It’s free and, aside from wrapping paper, has no environmental cost.
7. Themed White Elephant
This is what our family does! We choose a theme and ask everyone to bring a gift within that theme. We do this with all the adults in the family. In our case, each person brings a wrapped board/card game and a bottle of booze. We then play a classic game of White Elephant, and in the end, everyone ends up with a tasty new drink for their liquor cabinet and a great new game to play.
Finally, you could suggest a gift-free year and see what happens. Use the opportunity to reconnect and enjoy each other’s company without the stress of gift-giving.
The wrap up: The greatest gifts are the memories we create
There are many reasons why you may wish to scale back gift giving with extended family, or even eliminate it all together. What may seem like an awkward conversation can be made more comfortable by finding similarly minded individuals in your family, and tactfully bringing up your concerns or wishes to key family members over time.
At the end of the day, it is about celebrating each other and making lasting memories.
